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discoveringpeace's review against another edition
5.0
I wouldn’t typically leave such a personal review. I’ve read a lot of books but never one that captured how I feel and what I need so well. So much so it gave words to feelings and needs I didn’t understand and couldn’t explain—and I’m not even the target audience. In fact, Weiss even goes so far as to say that women might be offended by the tone. I was not. I felt understood and validated. I felt hope. I suspect men reading this will, too. The title is so unfortunate and feels flippant and off-putting. I wouldn’t have even read it had I not read his book, Prodependence, and been so moved by his compassionate stance for both partners. This is about infidelity, yes, but his definition is refreshing and not purely about sex. It’s not about sex, pornography, or crossing inappropriate boundaries, per say. It’s really about what lies beneath that—the devastating destruction of trust and the loss of intimacy and connection both partners are ultimately seeking, and how it can be rebuilt and made stronger.
“Infidelity (cheating) is the breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner.
To sum up: Your desire for meaningless sex and other women is not the problem. The problem is that you lied, kept secrets, and broke an important commitment to your primary life partner. And because of that, she no longer trusts you.
If she is invested in you, if she loves you and believes in you, and if she is committed to you, then she is emotionally devastated by your betrayal.
You can have intimacy in your relationship only when you are honest and open about the significant things in your life. When you withhold information and keep secrets, you create walls that act as barriers to the free flow of thoughts and feelings that invigorate your relationship. But when you open up to each other, the window between you allows you to know each other in unfiltered, intimate ways.
You are the one person she thought would never knowingly or deliberately hurt her or let her down. Yet you did exactly that, and in a big way.
What matters is what you are going to do in the future—what kind of husband, lover, friend, spouse, parent, and partner you are going to be moving forward.”
“Infidelity (cheating) is the breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner.
To sum up: Your desire for meaningless sex and other women is not the problem. The problem is that you lied, kept secrets, and broke an important commitment to your primary life partner. And because of that, she no longer trusts you.
If she is invested in you, if she loves you and believes in you, and if she is committed to you, then she is emotionally devastated by your betrayal.
You can have intimacy in your relationship only when you are honest and open about the significant things in your life. When you withhold information and keep secrets, you create walls that act as barriers to the free flow of thoughts and feelings that invigorate your relationship. But when you open up to each other, the window between you allows you to know each other in unfiltered, intimate ways.
You are the one person she thought would never knowingly or deliberately hurt her or let her down. Yet you did exactly that, and in a big way.
What matters is what you are going to do in the future—what kind of husband, lover, friend, spouse, parent, and partner you are going to be moving forward.”