“What’s wrong with reality?”
“Nothing,” I say in a small voice. Unless your reality sucks. Then what’s wrong with wanting something more or better?”

CW's: Underage drinking

Actual Rating: 4.5 Stars

This book actually meant a lot to me. I knew going into it, that this could be a very impactful book, as it's about a girl entering college who is extremely shy and socially anxious. She has not been able to make friends in high school and now is desperately trying to have the life she has always wanted, inspired by her favorite show Felicity. (which is an actual show, that I had never heard about before!)

💗 I could relate to Caroline so very much. (kind of a bit spooky that we almost have the same name) Of course I wasn't quite in the same situation. Caroline actually invented friends to not be so alone in a town where no one was really seeing her. I wouldn't have gone as far as she did (taking fictional characters from her favorite 90's show and compulsory lying about them, making up stories, is definitely not healthy and nothing I have personally done), but I often catch myself calling people I'm friendly with in university "friends" because it's easier and makes me feel less alone. Even though Caroline's actions in high school might have seemed extreme, I understood where she was coming from. It's hard to make friends when you're shy and cannot put yourself out there as much as you would want to. That also showed when she got her chance at college. In general, I related to her being a fangirl and this one show (called Felicity) being her savior and safe space when she felt all alone. It really gripped me, because I tend to turn to show and books to make myself feel less alone. (It's pretty much how I get through times when things feel pretty sad)

Relatable Things! (sadly without quotes, as I didn't have the time to take note of all of them, maybe in a reread)

- having to go to events alone and feeling a bit like a loner
- feeling like everyone else has already built groups and found their people within a day, without you being able to find someone in return
- being unsure where to sit, because of the already formed groups
- generally being awkward and having a hard time answering simple questions, as your brain is a bit slow to catch up and form an appropriate response
- feeling even a little rejection very hard
- just wanting to crawl into your bed and watch your show, instead of having to go out there
- group games with lots of pressure being the absolute nightmare

💗 I also felt for her all the time. We see very clearly where Caroline's character arc is headed. She is trying to be this new version of herself, completely different from who she was. Caroline thinks she can be like Felicity and be accepted for her awkward self immediately. But life isn't like a show, it's not perfect and things don't go according to plan. So Caroline is trying to become someone she's not, trying to fit in at parties she hates and talk to people who don't understand, just so she can have her happily ever after. Of course there's also a boy: Liam, who she kind of followed here, because he's supposed to be the Ben to her Felicity. Caroline thinks they are meant to be (because he was at least nice to her in high school), but I never trusted him to begin with, because she was idolizing him all the time and never really seeing his flaws at all. This was too perfect to become true and she is still too hung up on becoming the new her.

It didn't surprise me that Liam turned out to be a major dick, who showed her the cold shoulder, when they spent a night cuddling and Caroline though this could be their start. He was struggling with beginning Uni and therefore didn't have problems using her. Caroline was still so hung up, but I was proud that she managed to pill herself free from his toxic influence.)

💗 In the end I was proud of who Caroline was becoming. She's trying to join a few clubs she actually cares about in order to find people to connect with that are more like her. She tries to befriend girls in her dorm and just do a movie marathon instead of forcing herself to attend parties she hates. Caroline is beginning to understand that she needs to put herself out there, but not for things that she knows are not for her. She needs to pick out what works for her and be open for connecting with people like her in order to become a strong person, not by becoming completely different. That was very inspiring to read about.

💗 I also loved all the friendships that she formed. Things between her roommate Lexie and her are pretty rocky at first, as the other girl doesn't want them to be friends like Caroline had already planned to be happening. However, Lexie has her own problems that keep her this distances and as Caroline begins to understand her, the two become a team, friends completely different. There are ups and downs with them, but Lexie pushes her to try out new things and is there to listen, after things get cleared up. I also loved how Caroline connected with the other girls in her dorm in the end and everyone comes together to help her!

IN CONCLUSION: Finding Felicity meant a lot to me, because the main character was so relatable and pretty much captured how I felt when I entered my first year of university. I also loved her character arc of self-discovery and how she managed to find friends without having to change who she was. I love having YA stories set in college, it was so refreshing to read about. This is really great for fans of Fangirl!