Since the moment I opened the first page, I was already hooked by the relatable quotes. It’s not the first book I’ve read from him, and this one, like any other Green’s books, the book revolves around the struggle of a teenage girl living her life. This time, it’s about Aza Holmes, a sixteen year-old girl who has an obsession with C. diff bacteria, because of her disorder and afraid it (the bacteria) will kill her someday.

I’d like to start this review by saying that I feel seen by Aza’s character. I might not be thinking about how bacterias from things we touch and food we eat works inside our body and how it might kill us whenever and wherever, but I still relate so much to her. 

Aza is right when she said that life is told about us, not the other way. You never really have control of your own thoughts, even you move because life controls you. You go to bed? Because the sun is down. You eat lunch? Because the bell rings. We live on someone else’s schedule and we never even meet that someone. Sort of like a prison, or exactly like it. And I agree, life does feel like a prison sometimes.

Being a teenager itself is not easy, introduced by many life problems that we should face whether we like it or not (well, it’s problems, no one likes problems) and then there’s that anxiety feeling that makes everything worse. And that’s the thing about anxiety, you keep expecting the worst. You never had an answer for your own questions but more kept coming through your mind. And as someone who also struggles with anxiety, the way Aza had a conversation with herself in her mind because she has many questions stuck in her head but having no one to ask about it is something that I do a lot too. Like two people arguing, but in reality, it’s just herself. Two different minds of one same person. 

That’s exactly how the thoughts go, spiraling, infinitely. And it sucks that some of those thoughts are becoming a reality, but it doesn’t mean that the world is gonna end. There was this one time Daisy confessed about something Aza worried about. It hurts, but does that mean they keep fighting? No, life goes on and so are we.

The side characters in this book are the type of side characters that has their own characteristics. Daisy Ramirez is a Star Wars (pretty successful) fan-fiction author. Unlike Aza who barely talks what’s in her mind, Daisy tells everything, though sometimes it might hurt, but she’s a very supportive best friend. She is a unique character, some might think that she was annoying about the money that they got, but to me, she was just being happy with something she never really had.

On the other hand, the rich boy Davis Pickett is such a likable one. Despite the fact that he has a lot of money (like, a LOT, the guy has a home theater), from the way Davis writes his thoughts on his blog, I can tell how much of a romantic person he is. 

I found it adorable how they are both a little awkward because the relationship they had in the past, but it seemed so honest and innocent. Although Davis is a romantic guy, I love how the author didn’t make their conversation too much of an adult. I would love to see more of them as a couple, but we can't... If you know, you know.

For the other characters such as Aza’s mother and Dr. Singh, the author described them as realistic enough to be what they should be. A mother who’s always worried about her daughter who struggles with anxiety and a psychiatrist who’s trying her best to help her patient. The characters are well-developed but not too much, you can never be perfect or flawless.

Now for the plot, there were moments when it was so heart-breaking but Green didn’t try to sugar-coat the raw and painfulness of mental illness, he stripped down the ugly reality of living with anxiety and OCD. He wonderfully put the emotion and feeling of being in a never-ending thought spiral into words. But not just that, each conversation that the characters had felt so real. It feels like I’m there next to them, listening to them talking.

But the bad news is, there isn’t actually a real plot. If you expected a young adult mystery book, you’re wrong. I hate how they marketed this book from the blurb because the mystery covers only 20% of the book, the rest was just about Aza, Aza’s thoughts, and Aza’s obsession with bacterias (no, she’s not even a biologist). I expected more from the plot, the ending itself was a bit underwhelming. I myself would like to think that there’s an extra chapter where what I wanted to happen will happen. 

 

I won’t say much about what the phrase “turtles all the way” means, but it metaphors everything this book is trying to tell us. Don’t try to find the bottom of the pile.

If you’re looking for a light young adult read with great mental illness representation and realistic life of a teenage girl struggling with it, I would recommend you to read this book. It’s less than 300 pages and full of quotes that you might find relatable. But this is not for you who expects an amazing plot and likes neat and happy endings. You’ve been warned.