*DELUXE EDITION*

So I'm actually getting into reading again for the first time since the pandemic hit and this was the first book I've been able to read. So let me tell you that it was an amazing experience reading and has really sewed me back into books. Going in after reading the description of the book I assumed that the story was going to be a somewhat "typical" coming of age/LGBTQ+ story that had a love triangle and also dealt with grief. With the main plot point that would make this story unique was the Leteo Procedure to suppress memories. While it did cover those issues and more, the amount of depth is what blew me away.

Silvera took us in one direction for the first half of the book, we were on the path of a teenager who's going through the grief of his fathers suicide, while also coming to terms with who he was and what those feelings met. The story continued to deal with that throughout the entire book, but how it did changed completely after Aaron kissed Thomas. The tone completely changed and you could feel something was about to happen to Aaron or that he would do something radical which is what we saw when he tried to sneak his way into getting the Leto Procedure to forget that he was gay and had feelings for Thomas so that he could go back to being the perfect boyfriend. but then after he was told he had to wait for his procedure, it happened. Aarons "friends" saw him hugging Thomas. These people that he would always hang out with attacked and beat him nearly to death and then everything came undone, but also became so much more clear.

THE TWIST

When I read this twist, I didn't even realize or was able to process what Silvera had done. My jaw dropped when I realized that Aaron had already had the procedure and we got his backstory about being gay and his relationship With Colin. All of it was making sense. Why his mom and brother anted to get rid of his dads things, why Colin was avoiding Aaron, why his brother seemingly knew what was going on between Aaron and Thomas, and the list of details connecting goes on. While I can see why some readers may have seen this twist coming, I was completely thrown off by it. I had expected the story to go in the very predictable way of Thomas eventually coming out that he was gay and that there would be a love story between him and Aaron but something would happen that would make Aaron do the procedure. But that's not what Silvera did, he didn't take the less layered, easy route. He gave us a young, real character who is struggling to cope and process the reality and tragedies of his life in this world where he isn't widely accepted and that there's an option for him to take all that pain away and to make him "normal." The twist made sense, the motives leading up to it made sense and paralleled what had happened in the present. It was an amazing twist that shifted the story into a multi layered plot that went even more head on with Aarons mental health, grief, sexuality, and the internalized homophobia he faced due to the external homophobia he was beat with.

Silvera let Aaron fight through his pain in all the right and wrong ways that make Aaron feel human to the reader, he gave him real struggles, real grief, and real feelings for someone who's going through what Aaron was. But not only that he took what I had assumed to be a stereotypical LGBTQ+ love triangle and gave all three characters depth that we all loved despite the flaws they also carried. Genevieve wasn't made into the stereotypical, unlikable jealous girlfriend , and Thomas wasn't made into a character who was gay just so the plot could progress in a certain direction. Genevieve was a great, truly caring friend who loved Aaron despite what she knew about him while they were dating. She stood by and supported him through thick and thin because she knew the pain and hardships that he was going through. Thomas was a free spirit who grew to love Aaron as a friend for all that they did and didn't have in common and brought out the best in each other. But was still not forced into being an LGBTQ+ character for the sake of giving the main character a convenient love interest. Instead Silvera showed the strength of platonic, and family love throughout his entire story under the disguise of romantic love.

The original ending of the book left us with Aaron coming to terms with the reality of himself and his grief that he had struggled and fought to suppress during the entire story. Instead of focusing on avoiding the pain, and misdirecting the blame onto his sexuality, he had accepted who he was and who he wanted to be moving forward despite all of that. Which didn't mean he stopped hurting, it didn't mean he was just automatically better after deciding that the Leteo Procedure wasn't for him, he just decided to look at his life in a different perspective with people who did love him, and who did support him for who he was. He made a choice to choose pursing happiness despite the grief that he is still going through.

I will say though that I wasn't sure about how I felt about Aaron getting retrograde amnesia. I can see the connection and why it happened to Aaron, but it also to an extent felt unnecessary. Yes Aaron wanted to forget certain parts of the past and now him not being able to remember new things is paralleling that. I can also see that it's being used to show Aaron the consequences of trying to hide and change who you are can indeed leave permanent damage and change to you, but what did it actually serve for the plot that couldn't have been handled in the existing story without it? The amnesia helped lead Aaron to forgiveness and acceptance of himself, his family, and friends, but I feel as if Aaron could have gotten to that point without being hammered down by life even further. I do see the connections, but that doesn't mean it needed to happen. While reading it felt like extra, unnecessary damage that could have been used to focus more on building Aaron back up into his final mindset. This kid was facing real struggles, real pain that I can see many LGBTQ+ teenagers reasonably going through, but then I was taken out a little bit when the retrograde amnesia came in.

With that said I felt the retrograde amnesia plotline was still well done despite it not necessarily needing to be there. it still added depth and growth to Aaron, his family, friends, and the over arching theme in the book. It effectively fulfilled it's purpose.

Now lastly, the deluxe chapters. I loved this portion of the book. It undid Aarons retrograde amnesia, but still allowed us to actually see what it was like for Aaron, the fact that he had retrograde amnesia didn't just go away with no consequences of pain just for the sake of it. We saw Aaron struggle in a way that was realistic for an entire year, while also showing and maintaining the strong love and friendships he had with his family, Genevieve, and Thomas. So it was so incredibly rewarding to find out that Aaron might be all right. These chapters didn't tare down the consequences of the original ending, but more so refurnished it in a satisfying and deserved way for Aaron. I will say though plotline of Aaron meeting the other Aaron in a therapy group session for the Leteo Procedure patients was kind of tacky. My interpretation was that this Aaron after the story ended would become a love interest for our Aaron which I just felt was shallow. I didn't care for this new character and saw him as more of a friend who can relate to Aarons struggles, but I did not like the undertone implication of a love interest. Though maybe I was reading too much into his interactions with Aaron. Overall the added depth and character moments with Aaron and his social circle was well worth the deluxe copy and I am very pleased that Silvera decided to make this instead of leaving the story on the original ending. The original was great, but the deluxe edition brought it up even more and gave the reader a satisfying and Aaron a deserved ending to his story.