Chlorine by Jade Song is a story of transformation in more ways than one. It's a coming-of-age tale, tracking Ren Yu's emerging obsession with competitive swimming, her body's inconvenient changes, her attraction to her best friend, the clumsy, casual racism of her friends and teammates, and the sometimes racialized attentions of lecherous men and boys

It's also a deeply unsettling story of how a girl makes herself into a mermaid by pure force of will

And Ren is not your typical mermaid

She's part reverse-Ariel, rejecting love on land for freedom in the water. And she's part Shakesperean Ophelia, though she would tell you that whether the ending of Hamlet is tragic or happy is a matter of perspective

She is equal parts delusion and determination, and at every stage of the book, I wanted to swoop in and protect her from herself and the world around her

This was a wild read for me because the world around her is the same world I grew up in. Specifically: the book is set in my gray, rainy hometown of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and I was a competitive swimmer from age 7 to 14. Unlike Ren, I quit in high school because, as the book makes abundantly clear: competitive swimming is brutal, time consuming, and if your heart isn't in it, it fucking sucks. Still, the world of over-tight swimsuits, full-body shaving, and brutal workouts was a familiar one

I could see myself on both sides of Ren's codependent friendship with her white best friend (and sometimes love interest) Cathy.

Like Cathy (and probably every single suburban white girl I know), I know I've made some thoughtlessly racist or othering comments to friends of color over the years. Part of growing up is being periodically foolish and hurtful, especially to those we care about and would otherwise like to protect. Cathy loves Ren and hurts her anyway. By the end of the story, Cathy may have changed for the better, but she's still oblivious to some of the inadvertent harm she's caused, and that feels...authentic. Learning to recognize small, generally inadvertent acts of racism or xenophobia is a lifelong journey. Cathy isn't perfect, and neither am I

Also, like Cathy, I was a chubby, indifferent swimmer who only stuck around as long as I did for the social element. When my friends bailed from swimming to get serious about choir, so did I. But, while it might not be everyone's experience, Song's depiction of high school partying, hormonal stupidity, and male shittiness is just about the closest to my own high school experiences as I've ever read in print

And, like Ren, I know what it's like to have an immigrant mother who doesn't quite fit in with most of the other swim moms and makes not-quite-American food for team parties. Of course, the othering that we experienced as white, western European people, was of a much gentler kind

The horror in this book is twofold

Growing up is a horror. Existing in a human body is a horror. To young girls, especially those without a strong support system, men are a horror

But then there's the horror of Ren's transformation, which is a beautifully crafted grotesquity. It would translate beautifully to film, and I would be too scared to watch that movie

Not every element of this book worked for me (Some of the period metaphors seemed a bit over the top, even as I sit here with my own uterus currently feeling like it's trying to kill me), but if you like:

literary horror

coming-of-age stories

sapphic longing

feminine rage

and stories about immigrant experiences

then you won't want to miss this one.