I was never interested in reading Silas Marner because stories about reformed misers that aren’t A Muppet Christmas Carol just don’t do it to me. But since I found myself in possession of a copy of Silas Marner thanks to Indiespensible, I decided to check it out.

Lord, have I been missing out! Yes, there is sad ugly Silas with nothing to love but his horde and then he’s robbed and adopts a child and learns that there is more to life, blah blah biblical allusions blah.

All that is just filler compared to the love story of Godfrey Cass and Nancy Lammeter.

Spoiler

Godfrey was secretly married, people! To a floozy named Molly that he probably got hitched to out of some misguided sense of obligation after their first tumble. Now, he’s broke because between his opium-addict wife and awful brother, he’s tapped and the only helpful thing his brother has to offer is that maybe a well-timed overdose would be the answer to Godfrey’s prayers. Oh, and then he kills Godfrey’s horse. Oy, no wonder Godfrey sees Nancy as his ticket out of this mess. He’s obsessed with her but can’t let anyone know lest they push for an engagement. There is so much angst. I can’t even.

Nancy so has the hots for Godfrey, but girl has a good head on her shoulders and she knows something ain’t right since Godfrey keeps running hot and cold on her so she’d rather pass on all that and be an awesome spinster with her sister. Despite all the flutters she gets when Godfrey helps her down from her horse.

Then, poor opium-addicted Molly actually does overdose! And she dies in the snow and her and Godfrey’s daughter, Eppie, ends up being raised by Silas.

Anyway, this only matters because fast forward 15 years and Godfrey and Nancy are married and in love and it’s great except they don’t have any kids and, God, you know it’s because Godfrey probably gave Nancy some venereal disease or something. So, Nancy has all this guilt about the no kids thing and is always rebuffing Godfrey’s request to adopt Eppie. Godfrey finally gets the stones to tell her that Eppie is his child and she is like, you dumb ass, I totally would have adopted her if I knew that!

Godfrey immediately wants to go an get Eppie back and Nancy agrees, but Eppie is all, I can’t leave my father and I’m going to marry Aaron and have lots of sex and babies. Whatever, Godfrey and Nancy go back to being that awesome childless couple who throw great parties and are nice to their subordinates and Nancy takes up dairy farming.

The End.