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A review by alienor
Glitterland by Alexis Hall
5.0
WARNING : This is a very personal review. Please don't bother if you can't stand those. Thank you.
I've been in Niall's place. It's not pretty. The kind of ugly that would make hate yourself if you weren't that goddamn pissed. I've read so many beautiful and heartbreaking reviews of [b:Glitterland|25638048|Glitterland (Spires, #1)|Alexis Hall|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1433092813l/25638048._SY75_.jpg|24797122] that I started writing something along the lines of, no matter how hard I've been trying to find the words, they escape me.
Liar. I'm a freaking LIAR.
The words are there, they're cutting through me, such ugly, ugly things. I've read my fair share of books about depression, whether they were idiotic romanticizing of it or heartbreaking journeys, but there's something so important that nobody ever tells you. Nobody tells you how fucking angry you'd be if you had to witness someone you care about slowly burying himself. No. You read about how to be supportive, how to help, and everything sounds so fucking easy.
You don't read about how worthless it makes you feel when your love is not enough.
You don't read about the rage you can't avoid when other people show understanding and you realize that you can't, you can't, you can't anymore.
You're a loveless, selfish shell.
You're so ashamed because really, why can't you do more, stand more, bear more puddles of blood, plaster on a smile and say that everything's gonna be okay?
Are you so stripped of hope that you cannot see past this very moment, this 3am phone call that you know - you know - you have to answer no matter what?
Oh, yes. Yes you are. You're just a fucking human being whose guilt is eating at every pore of itself, whose words are meaningless and worthless. Nobody wants to hear you, and you don't want to hear you, because you don't have a problem you don't have a problem you don't have a problem. That fucking guilt, though. Can't you be any more selfish? You don't own the right to cry, just to be strong.
Even now, years after, knowing she's okay, writing this makes me want to curl up in a corner and shedding angry tears. Even now, I'm still afraid that my words will be misunderstood, a comforting, understanding smile ready to erase them. I'm still afraid of being judged.
But it took me years to realize that I was just human and that I didn't deserve to be yelled at for that. It took me years to realize that she didn't blame me for it and that no, I didn't blame her, of course, but was just so fucking tired and scared. She knows I love her, and always will.
Fear will do that to you.
I refuse to hide behind my fears anymore.
If I cannot, and will never really understand what depression is, not because of a lack of empathy, but because witnessing it doesn't mean understanding it, even if you want to, rare are the times when I read a book that captures the core of it and manages to make me approach understanding.
[b:Glitterland|25638048|Glitterland (Spires, #1)|Alexis Hall|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1433092813l/25638048._SY75_.jpg|24797122] is one of these books. That heartbreaking, beautiful book.
I will cherish it forever.
For more of my reviews, please visit:
I've been in Niall's place. It's not pretty. The kind of ugly that would make hate yourself if you weren't that goddamn pissed. I've read so many beautiful and heartbreaking reviews of [b:Glitterland|25638048|Glitterland (Spires, #1)|Alexis Hall|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1433092813l/25638048._SY75_.jpg|24797122] that I started writing something along the lines of, no matter how hard I've been trying to find the words, they escape me.
Liar. I'm a freaking LIAR.
The words are there, they're cutting through me, such ugly, ugly things. I've read my fair share of books about depression, whether they were idiotic romanticizing of it or heartbreaking journeys, but there's something so important that nobody ever tells you. Nobody tells you how fucking angry you'd be if you had to witness someone you care about slowly burying himself. No. You read about how to be supportive, how to help, and everything sounds so fucking easy.
You don't read about how worthless it makes you feel when your love is not enough.
You don't read about the rage you can't avoid when other people show understanding and you realize that you can't, you can't, you can't anymore.
You're a loveless, selfish shell.
You're so ashamed because really, why can't you do more, stand more, bear more puddles of blood, plaster on a smile and say that everything's gonna be okay?
Are you so stripped of hope that you cannot see past this very moment, this 3am phone call that you know - you know - you have to answer no matter what?
Oh, yes. Yes you are. You're just a fucking human being whose guilt is eating at every pore of itself, whose words are meaningless and worthless. Nobody wants to hear you, and you don't want to hear you, because you don't have a problem you don't have a problem you don't have a problem. That fucking guilt, though. Can't you be any more selfish? You don't own the right to cry, just to be strong.
Even now, years after, knowing she's okay, writing this makes me want to curl up in a corner and shedding angry tears. Even now, I'm still afraid that my words will be misunderstood, a comforting, understanding smile ready to erase them. I'm still afraid of being judged.
But it took me years to realize that I was just human and that I didn't deserve to be yelled at for that. It took me years to realize that she didn't blame me for it and that no, I didn't blame her, of course, but was just so fucking tired and scared. She knows I love her, and always will.
Fear will do that to you.
I refuse to hide behind my fears anymore.
If I cannot, and will never really understand what depression is, not because of a lack of empathy, but because witnessing it doesn't mean understanding it, even if you want to, rare are the times when I read a book that captures the core of it and manages to make me approach understanding.
[b:Glitterland|25638048|Glitterland (Spires, #1)|Alexis Hall|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1433092813l/25638048._SY75_.jpg|24797122] is one of these books. That heartbreaking, beautiful book.
I will cherish it forever.
For more of my reviews, please visit:
