A review by ditten
In Repair by A.L. Graziadei

dark emotional hopeful sad medium-paced
  • Plot- or character-driven? Character
  • Strong character development? Yes
  • Loveable characters? Yes
  • Diverse cast of characters? Yes
  • Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.5

In Repair by A.L. Graziadei is beautifully written and emotionally devastating.
 
"I don’t know who I am as a person, but whoever it is, I don’t think I like him very much. Or maybe, Sometimes I don’t feel real and, honestly, I think I prefer it that way."
 
Nathaniel Conti doesn't feel real when he's alone, he needs to be seen. Well, the version of him he wants people to see, because underneath his eccentric persona, he's struggling. He's attending university where he almost accidentally makes friends who he's drawn to but also never feels worthy of. When he runs into an old friend from his past, it becomes even harder for Nathaniel to cope with his feelings of despair and guilt in relation to his past trauma.
 
Reading this book was hard. It deals with a lot of heavy topics like depression, childhood trauma, and suicidal ideation, and I highly recommend paying attention to the content warnings at the beginning of the book.
 
Icebreaker by the same author depicts depression in one of the more realistic ways I've read, and In Repair does the same - to an even deeper and and heavier extent. As someone who struggles with similar issues myself, I had to take several breaks while reading because some things hit too hard. Both for Nathaniel but they also felt too recognizable and I needed a breather.
 
Despite, or maybe because of, how heavy the book was, it was an incredible read. Being in Nathaniel's head felt harrowing at times, his feelings and thoughts were so raw, and you couldn't help but truly feel for him. 
 
"Because it happened to me too. But I was a boy, and no one thought to ask me."
 
While the book was gut-wrenching, it was also hopeful. Nathaniel never feels worthy of good things but his new friends refuse to give up on him, something he's never experienced before. Watching him continue to struggle and fight to get better, even when he's been let down by so many people in his life, and the road to recovery is brutal and non-linear, felt both devastating and inspiring. He's *trying* and he's finally got people in his corner who're there for him, who he can't run off though he attempts to, and those friendships were so beautiful.
 
In Repair does an amazing job with themes like depression, childhood trauma, anxiety, loneliness, as well as the stigma surrounding CSA, especially for boys.
 
"It's not that I actually want to die. Not really. It’s more that I don’t want to exist anymore. There’s a difference."
 
An incredible read that I highly recommend. Just make sure you're in the right headspace for it. I was fortunate enough to get both an eARC and audio ARC, and the narrator for the audiobook was fantastic.
 
Thanks to Macmillan and Macmillan Audio for the ARC. In Repair is out May 14