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A review by camscornerbooks
Nappily Ever After by Trisha R. Thomas
3.0
From the perspective of an authentic voice I can’t comment so my thoughts are about writing style and messaging.
I see the low ratings on here and the biggest issue people seem to have is about messaging. The heavy handed finale of ‘you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself’ turns a lot of people off. And I agree. To a degree. While I think the message was that, I mean it flat out says it, I feel like in execution it achieved more than that.
Yes that was definitely a message conveyed but more subtly it also conveyed how when we have low self esteem and low self worth and struggle with identity and purpose we end up projecting those insecurities, usually unconsciously, on our relationships. While focusing on a romantic relationship it is true of all our relationships to varying degrees.
We compare ourselves to “the competition” in romantic relationships (real or imagined competition), we compare ourselves to our friends who have what we want but haven’t achieved yet, we compare ourselves to our coworkers who are further or higher than us in their careers, etc. Comparison is natural and involuntary most times but it’s also unhealthy when we take those comparisons to heart.
I think a better more accurate message is you can’t give what you don’t have. It’s not that you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself. It’s that you can’t give the relationship your solidity, your assuredness if you don’t have that about yourself. Your insecurities about your looks, your worth, your value can’t be put into the relationship if you don’t have that already. It doesn’t mean you can’t truly love someone, but you will likely continue to project insecurity and jealousy and fear into the relationship even if your partner gives you no reason to do so because you simply don’t have anything else to put in.
It’s a subtle difference but an important one and I THINK it’s what the author meant to convey.
Honestly the “worst” part of the book was the final conversation between the main characters where our protagonist explains her motivations. They felt completely disconnected from everything we’ve seen and heard from her from the rest of the book. They were along the same lines but clumsily executed and honestly didn’t articulate what I think the real issues were.
Still though, all in all I enjoyed the book and I loved the connection of our character’s hair to her identity and value in society at large and especially in the black community. Tying it to freedom and independence made for a compelling and relatable flashpoint for the story to return to in order to tell its story. The “other girlfriend” having the opposite hair, the same type that was shaved off by our main character was also used very well to not vilify those who choose to maintain their straightened locks. I’m glad the book addressed the issues around forcing black girls to straighten their hair from a very young age but also allows room for it too being accepted as personal choice without condemnation.
I see the low ratings on here and the biggest issue people seem to have is about messaging. The heavy handed finale of ‘you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself’ turns a lot of people off. And I agree. To a degree. While I think the message was that, I mean it flat out says it, I feel like in execution it achieved more than that.
Yes that was definitely a message conveyed but more subtly it also conveyed how when we have low self esteem and low self worth and struggle with identity and purpose we end up projecting those insecurities, usually unconsciously, on our relationships. While focusing on a romantic relationship it is true of all our relationships to varying degrees.
We compare ourselves to “the competition” in romantic relationships (real or imagined competition), we compare ourselves to our friends who have what we want but haven’t achieved yet, we compare ourselves to our coworkers who are further or higher than us in their careers, etc. Comparison is natural and involuntary most times but it’s also unhealthy when we take those comparisons to heart.
I think a better more accurate message is you can’t give what you don’t have. It’s not that you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself. It’s that you can’t give the relationship your solidity, your assuredness if you don’t have that about yourself. Your insecurities about your looks, your worth, your value can’t be put into the relationship if you don’t have that already. It doesn’t mean you can’t truly love someone, but you will likely continue to project insecurity and jealousy and fear into the relationship even if your partner gives you no reason to do so because you simply don’t have anything else to put in.
It’s a subtle difference but an important one and I THINK it’s what the author meant to convey.
Honestly the “worst” part of the book was the final conversation between the main characters where our protagonist explains her motivations. They felt completely disconnected from everything we’ve seen and heard from her from the rest of the book. They were along the same lines but clumsily executed and honestly didn’t articulate what I think the real issues were.
Still though, all in all I enjoyed the book and I loved the connection of our character’s hair to her identity and value in society at large and especially in the black community. Tying it to freedom and independence made for a compelling and relatable flashpoint for the story to return to in order to tell its story. The “other girlfriend” having the opposite hair, the same type that was shaved off by our main character was also used very well to not vilify those who choose to maintain their straightened locks. I’m glad the book addressed the issues around forcing black girls to straighten their hair from a very young age but also allows room for it too being accepted as personal choice without condemnation.