"People can mean so well and want the same end results and still miss each other by such a cavernous margin. When we fell in love it was like I could only see the gorgeous top part of Jim, but now with the introduction of adversity I could only see his ugly pulsing sinewy underside. I knew they were both true, but I could never see them both at the same time."

I so badly want to not to want to give Ash Wednesday a 5/5 just because it's written by Ethan Hawke, my ultimately revered indie film King. But goddam knowing who he is as an artist, and as a huge fan of his films, I just couldn't help it.

One main reason I tried so hard to convince myself that it doesn't deserve a 5 star rating is that this novel disregards the golden rule, "Show, not tell," when it comes to writing (and filmmaking). And also simply because the whole premise of the story is just plain boring: Two complicated lovers pregnant with their first child, driving across the US as they take the biggest leap in their relationship.

But you see, that is what's on the surface, and that's where I got it wrong. Their driving across states is not just driving for no reason. And a story is never boring with very much unlikeable, but also complicated, intricately layered and ironically eccentric characters. One couldn't just fit them in a box for their sprawling philosophy and stupidly profound éxchange of dialogues. Which reminds me of characters played by Hawke and Julie Delpy with director Richard Linklater in the Before Trilogy (which I *adore* religiously).

Maybe it's just me, but I enjoyed how Ethan wrote the alternating POV of our two main characters, Jimmy and Christy, in a specific parts of the story where it would highlight their vulnerability the most.

It also got me wondering whether or not the tone and stance of characters throughout the book reflect Ethan's core beliefs and values on a more personal level rather than him as a writer simply drawing fiction from other people's real life experiences independent of his own. I'm romanticizing the idea that I got to see him eye to eye, subtly peering in through his mind and soul, just by reading this book. Or maybe I'm just being inappropriately nosy.

Anyway, nothing much really goes on throughout the book. It's a character driven story (and a character study, if you're into that kind of stuff) instead of hooking readers in for a spectacular storyline. Overall, I understand that this novel won't be everyone's cup of tea. But I find Ash Wednesday like a cerebral film on a crisp 200 page-novel format. I freaking loved it.

And yes, if it were a movie I want Richard Linklater to direct it.


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BTW this concludes my 2020 Reading Challenge aaaaaaaaahhhhh I'm so happy