Rating: 5 stars

I loved this book. It is my favourite Discworld novel to date. Now, this "review" is just going to be all my favourite quotes from the book, some that have my little commentary in the square brackets [ ] (ooh! Fun fact abou-- NO ONE CARES SHUT UP ISABELLA) and so yeah. Enjoy...?

“Dogs are not like cats, who amusingly tolerate humans only until someone comes up with a tin opener that can be operated with a paw.”

[As a proud dog owner of 13+ years, I can attest to this fact. Also, for some reason cats just hate me. I have a scar on my left index finger from a cat scratching me]

“Besides, when you hit your thumb with an eight-pound hammer it's nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, 'Oh, random-fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!' or 'Aaargh, primitive-and-outmoded-concept on a crutch!' ”

[This just cracks me up]

“ 'Have - have you got an appointment?' he said.
'I don't know,' said Carrot. 'Have we got an appointment?'
'I've got an iron ball with spikes on,' Nobby volunteered.
'That's a morning star, Nobby.'
'Is it?'
'Yes,' said Carrot. 'An appointment is an engagement to see someone, while a morning star is a large lump of metal used for viciously crushing skulls. It is important not to confuse the two, isn't it, Mr-?' He raised his eyebrows.
'Boffo, sir. But-'
'So if you could perhaps run along and tell Dr Whiteface we're here with an iron ball with spi- What am I saying? I mean, without an appointment to see him? Please? Thank you.' ”

[Why is this like the perfect kind of humour that gets me?]

“He could think in italics. Such people need watching.
Preferably from a safe distance.”

“If the Creator had said, 'Let there be light' in Ankh-Morpork, he'd have got no further because of all the people saying 'What colour?' ”

“The Ramkins were more highly bred than a hilltop bakery, whereas Corporal Nobbs had been disqualified from the human race for shoving.”

“Don't stick your nose where someone can pull it off and eat it.”

“ 'It’s bad enough barging into Guild property, but we’ll get into really serious trouble if we shoot anyone. Lord Vetinari won’t stop at sarcasm. He might use’ - Colon swallowed - ‘irony.' ”

[This one's got to be one of the best]

“ 'In Ankh-Morpork even the shit have a street to itself,' said Detritus, awe and wonder in his voice. 'Truly, this a land of opportunity.' ”

[He's talking about the sewer. The "street" is literally just a sewer.]

“ 'Aargh! I’m too short for this shit!' ”

[My 161cm/5'3 self agrees]

“It was a large room, heavily outfitted with the usual badly ventilated furnaces, rows of bubbling crucibles, and one stuffed alligator. Things floated in jars. The air smelled of a limited life expectancy.”

“ 'The best man. You know? He hands you the ring and has to marry the bride if you ran away and so on. The Dean's been reading up on it, haven't you, Dean?'
'Oh, yes,' said the Dean, who'd spent all the previous day with "Lady Deirdre Waggon's Book of Etiquette". 'She's got to marry someone once she's turned up. You can't have unmarried brides flapping around the place, being a danger to society.'
'I completely forgot about a best man!' said Vimes.”

“The Librarian liked being best man. You were allowed to kiss bridesmaids, and they weren't allowed to run away.”

“ 'He disappeared a few years ago.' [said Silverfish]
'Disappeared? How?' said Cuddy.
'We think,' said Silverfish, leaning closer, 'that he found a way of making himself invisible.'
'Really?'
'Because,' said Silverfish, nodding conspiratorially, 'no-one has seen him.' ”

[One of my favourite quotes. This is my exact brand of humour]

“Sham Harga had run a successful eatery for many years by always smiling, never extending credit, and realising that most of his customers wanted meals properly balanced between the four food groups: sugar, starch, grease, and burnt crunchy bits.”

" 'We are armed with the truth. What can harm us if we are armed with the truth?’
‘Well, a crossbow bolt can, e.g., go right through your eye and out the back of your head,’ said Sergeant Colon.”

“Angua picked out the bottle and looked at the label.
'C.M.O.T. Dibbler's Genuine Authentic Soggy Mountain Dew,' she read. 'He's going to die! It says, "One hundred and fifty per cent proof"!'
'Nah, that's just old Dibbler's advertising,' said Nobby. "'t ain't got no proof. Just circumstantial evidence.' ”

“Retrophrenology:
It works like this. Phrenology, as everyone knows, is a way of reading someone's character, aptitude and abilities by examining the bumps and hollows on their head. Therefore - according to the kind of logical thinking that characterises the Ankh-Morpork mind - it should be possible to mould someone's character by giving them carefully graded bumps in all the right places. You can go into a shop and order an artistic temperament with a tendency to introspection and a side order of hysteria. What you actually get is hit on the head with a selection of different size mallets, but it creates employment and keeps the money in circulation, and that's the main thing.”

[Honestly, how does he come up with this stuff?]

“Cuddy had only been a guard for a few days, but already he had absorbed one important and basic fact: it is almost impossible for anyone to be in a street without breaking the law. There are a whole quiverful of offenses available to a policeman who wishes to pass the time of day with a citizen, ranging from Loitering with Intent through Obstruction to Lingering While Being the Wrong Colour/Shape/Species/Sex. It occurred briefly to him that anyone not making a dash for it when they saw Detritus knuckling along at high speed behind them was probably guilty of contravening the Being Bloody Stupid Act of 1581. But it was too late to take that into account. Someone was running, and they were chasing. They were chasing because he was running, and he was running because they were chasing.”

" 'I’ll tell you,' said Vimes. 'A monarch’s an absolute ruler, right? The head honcho—'
'Unless he’s a queen,' said Carrot.
Vimes glared at him, and then nodded. 'OK, or the head honchette—'
'No, that’d only apply if she was a young woman. Queens tend to be older. She’d have to be a…a honcharina? No, that’s for very young princesses. No. Um. A honchesa, I think.' ”

[How could you get anymore Pratchett-y than this]

“It was said that he had the body of a twenty-five year old; however, no one knew where he was hiding it ”

" 'I thought dwarfs do not believe in devils and demons and all.'
'Right. But we're not sure if ... they know about it.' "

" 'No, you can't call him an idiot.' Silverfish reached for a billiard ball that had miraculously survived the chaos. 'His senses were just so damn sharp that he kept cutting himself on it.' ”

“They thought he was crazy, but it wasn't, at least not entirely. His contacts with reality were on a cosmic level, so it was difficult for him to focus on small things, such as other people, walls and soap."

[...and soap. Why soap? Does anyone truly understand Pratchett's mind?]