Before John Schwartz begins telling us his story--the story of his family, and especially the story of his son Joseph--he tells us something else: this is not a how-to book about raising a gay child. He's never liked how-to or self-help books, finding them impenetrable and pointless, and he cautions his readers against taking his experience--his successes and failures--and substituting it as their own, looking to turn his detailed and specific chapters into some sort of traceable set of goals and milestones. This is his family's experience alone, something to learn from rather than be guided by. And while he hopes that his book will teach his readers without explicitly instructing them, Schwartz's main goal is to tell a story, purely and simply, which is something he does with ease and skill.

Oddly Normal is the story of Joseph Schwartz, a precocious young boy whose parents understand from a very early age that he is gay. His personality and interests--he enjoys Barbies, glitzy decorations, playing with girls' hair, and other stereotypically feminine things--lead his parents to this conclusion, and they're immediately accepting but also cautious: they don't care one way or the other if their son is gay, though they also want to avoid labeling him at an age when society's gender norms mean nothing and he may simply be curious. (Schwartz points out that, after their first two children were born, they lumped dolls and trucks into a gender-less mass in the playroom, and their daughter naturally went for the Barbies while their son went for trucks.) However, as Joseph grows older, the possible becomes the obvious, the obvious becomes unavoidable, and soon his atypical interests and behavior make him not only an outcast at school but the target of some of his teachers' frustrations and wrath. Soon, John and his wife find themselves defending Joseph against careless teachers, lazy therapists, and a school bureaucracy that is more interested in blaming children than understanding them.

For me, this was perhaps the most interesting aspect of the book, not just because it was the conflict that dominated the first half--the second half being focused on Joseph's internalized conflict with himself and his emotions--but also because I'm a teacher who, even in the few years I've been teaching, has seen this play out firsthand. All teenagers go through this at some point--the feeling that they're alone and different, even among hundreds of other teenagers who are experiencing similar things in their own lives--but for gay teenagers, the feeling of loneliness and the idea that no one else possibly understands what they're going through, least of all the adults around them, is compounded. John Schwartz admits upfront that he and his wife tried their best to be good parents, and this book paints a picture of a mother and father who did indeed try their best, missed a few signs along the way, struggled, but ultimately raised a young man who is smart, confident, and well-rounded. But he also admits that, had Joseph been raised and taught in environments in which his uniqueness had been appreciated as a "gift"--as a part of him, not unlike hair color or height or gender--rather than a challenge to be corrected, he would have fared much better. Which is an issue still to this day: schools that feel accommodating students' differences, whether it be who they are or how they act, means doing nothing and hoping the "problem" goes away. It's this struggle that Joseph and his parents fight and, near the books' end, ultimately win.

This is not to say, however, that Schwartz's book doesn't have a few problems--namely, his need, perhaps based on his career as a journalist, to bring in research and statistics related to LGBT teens and current gay rights issues. There's nothing wrong with this, per se, and in fact it actually balances out well in their respective chapters: talking about a specific event in Joseph's childhood, then expanding out to see how it relates nation-wide, including the relationship between effeminacy and sexual orientation in boys, learning disabilities, and suicide. But the research is presented as just that--research--instead of being paraphrased down to fit with the rest of his book. At times, Schwartz's discussions of research feel like a lecture delivered in the middle of an otherwise engaging story, and it weakens the compassion and empathy we've felt towards Joseph and his struggle, almost as though Schwartz were trying to analyze his son's life to see how well it fit into the LGBT narrative...which, as Schwartz mentions more than once, isn't even a reliable narrative, as it raises up the stories of struggle ("it gets better") over the stories of hope ("it's better now") and presents the LGBT experience in teens as one of desperation, harrassment, and futility.

There's a moment in his forward when Schwartz says that, while he and fellow memoirist Joan Didion have very little in common, he would find more solace about death in her book The Year of Magical Thinking than in any self-help or how-to book, no matter how well-recommended they were. This goes back to his idea that, given the choice between dry advice and fluid story, he finds more to learn and relate to in story. It's a concept that I agree with wholeheartedly, and I only wish Schwartz had followed this more closely in the writing of his book. It's not that the research is bad--as I stated before, it actually adds to the story--but the story is much better, far and away.


This review was originally published at There Will Be Books Galore

This book is an interesting read for perspective on a number of different things, not least of which is how to advocate for a child who is a little different as they move through school. While It's aimed at parents who think their child might be gay (or whose child has told them so) it can still be a helpful resource for any parent dealing with a child who is perceived as different and not getting the help they need in school. It explains a few things about IEPs and other school resources required under ADA and education related laws that the average parent probably isn't aware of. It also shows a very good example of how to advocate for your child when the school or other professionals are trying to give the child a label or diagnosis that might not be fully appropriate especially at a much younger age when there can be variances in maturity that account for the differences being noted. There's also a lot of stress on the fact that every child is different, which the authors obviously thought was very important to keep in mind.

Just so great. It was wonderful to revisit childhood and school through the author's son's experiences and get some affirming perspective. Includes the feedback their family received from the "league of gay uncles" they consulted, which was really sweet too.

Great story, great information. Tis book tells the story of a fathers journey watching his son journey to accept the fact he is gay. It is also a look at how a family must navigate through a school system, rife with labels, for the benefit of their son.

I really wanted to like this book. And in my defense, I really tried to. But, try as I might, it just didn't work out.

The premise of this book is a good one -- the story of parents who realize early on that their son may be gay, and their journey in helping him grow to accept who he is. Unfortunately, despite the fact that the book is technically well written (the author/father, John Schwartz, is a journalist, after all), the story left me shaking my head more often than I expected, or thought necessary.

I got the distinct feeling, while reading of Joe Schwartz's troubles during his early years in school, that his parents were a bit too eager to ascribe his various academic and behavioural issues to his sexuality -- a fact that bothered me, especially given the fact that the child himself had yet to even acknowledge said sexuality. He's gifted? Of course he is, he's gay! He's disruptive in class? Of course he is, he's dealing with being gay! Someone should tell these parents that it is, in fact, possible to be straight and gifted, or straight and disruptive in class. There's being supportive of your child (possibly) being part of the LGBT community -- and then there's being a bit *too* supportive. It seemed to me as though nothing was *ever* Joe's fault.

I understand that LGBT kids often experience emotional and behavioural issues that are related to their sexuality, but honestly, these parents seemed to connect *everything* to the fact that he was gay. And while I understand the reticence that parents often feel when approached with the possibility that their child may have a neurological condition like autism or Asperger's, the absolute refusal of these parents to even consider those possibilities is mind-blowing. Don't get me wrong -- there's absolutely nothing wrong with a child being gay. But there's also absolutely nothing wrong with a child being autistic, or having Asperger's syndrome.

I also can't help but wonder if their absolute refusal to consider medication for him might have made a difference in Joe's life. Kids who are mentally healthy don't end up stark naked in their parents' bathroom, having taken an overdose of Benadryl, and it certainly seems as though Joe's subsequent stay in a psychiatric facility and his being placed on medication made a substantial, positive difference in his life. It's like everything in his life before the overdose was hell, but once he came out of the psych facility, everything was suddenly fine. Was that due to the fact that, finally, Joe had been medicated properly? Could the suicide attempt have been avoided entirely if only his parents hadn't resolutely refused to consider the possibility of his being medicated? There is nothing shameful in having a child who suffers from depression, but it seems as though the Schwartzes go to huge leaps in order to convince themselves, and others, that their son couldn't possibly be depressed. Did it really have to get to the point where he nearly took his own life to convince them otherwise?

I also found that the suicide attempt, rather than acting as a turning point in the story, felt like it was thrown in and then glossed over as quickly as possible. It was almost buried in the book among all of the statistics and studies. I felt cheated, to be honest. After all the build-up and detail of this boy's life, this huge event occurs in his life and his father chooses to simply brush past it? I know that having a child attempt to take his own life must be a horrific thing, but if Schwartz chose to include it in his book -- and, in fact, chooses to begin his book with it -- then he should at least be willing to deal with it in at least a little more detail.

(As a sidenote: the passage in which Schwartz sits in the ER with his son trying to force feed him activated charcoal struck me as incredibly odd. Wouldn't a suspected case of overdose be considered serious enough that time would be of the essence, especially since the kid wasn't even totally conscious? Certainly it seems to me as though the situation would be urgent enough that the medical staff wouldn't have a reaction along the lines of "Oh, see if you can get him to drink this." I'm not saying that the father is making up these details, but man....that passage struck me as being ridiculous and incredibly hard to believe.)

As I said: I really wanted to like this book. It had the potential to be an excellent resource for parents who are raising a child who is a part of the LGBT community. But I personally found that what could have been an excellent book just ended up being a way for the Schwartzes to use their son's experiences to say "Look how awesome we are as parents! We supported our son from the beginning and made sure that everyone catered to him his entire life!"

Sorry, Mr. Schwartz. I'm not buying it.

I thought this book was extremely well-written. Scwartz brings a reportorial style to the memoir that provides a lucid, clear-eyed storytelling style The book avoids schmaltz without eschewing emotion. Schwartz also doesn't look for scapegoats, showing how everyone can be doing what they think is best and still have a kid fall through the cracks. It was a book a couldn't put down, staying up late into the night reading this family's tale. Definitely recommended.

Not really all that great. I'm not sure why. Usually I'm not too bothered by the switching back and forth between personal and facts that non-fiction uses, but in this case it seemed to make the book very unemotional.

This will really tug at your heart.

This book. I don't even have words to describe how awesome this book is. It's about the best family ever trying to help their young gay son traverse the sometimes treacherous feat of growing up gay. All families of a LGBT child should read this book. Fuck, everybody that knows an LGBT person should read this book. It's heartbreaking and hopeful and sure to be on my best of 2013 list.

I think everyone who wants to increase in empathy and charity should read this book. I was assigned to read it for a class, and I tried to read it with a completely open mind. It opened my eyes to a world I was mostly unfamiliar with. I've been doing everything I can to understand those who are different from me, and I came out of this book having grown exponentially in empathy and understanding for those who are gay. I talked about nearly every chapter with my husband because I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I do have to say that some parts drag. It's written so that chapters alternate plot and history/information. Those information chapters could really start to feel long. But all in all I appreciated the information and felt that the author was credible and wrote well.